Elliott Childs

Fuck.

I’ve gone from having such a happy week last week to the start of a shitty one. It’s not that this week I have my AS exams, but it’s that I did my first one today for Film Studies and completely fucked it up. I answered the wrong question with now what I’m starting to think was the wrong answer! That’s 40 marks gone. The bad thing about it is Film is the only subject I’m actually good at. Now I can’t stop worrying about it all and it’s put me in a shit mind set for my other two. I’m such an idiot. I really hope I scrape a C with the marks from my other two answers and my Coursework. But I’ve got my Media exam tomorrow then my Comms on Friday so I’m gonna try and smash them, then I have 3 weeks off to do nothing…might get round to learning my guitar a bit. 

Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

Be Safe

One of those fucking awful black days when nothing is pleasing and everything that happens is an excuse for anger. An outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour. These are the days when I hate the world, hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent, the TV watchers, beer drinkers, the satisfied ones. Because I know I can be all of those little hateful things and then I hate myself for realising that. There’s no preventative, directive or safe approach for living. We each know our own fate. We know from our youth how to be treated, how we’ll be received, how we shall end. These things don’t change. You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents but sooner or later your own self will always catch up. Always it waits in the wings. Ideas swirl but don’t stick. They appear but then run off like rain on the windshield. One of those rainy day car rides my head implodes, the atmosphere in this car a mirror of my skull. Wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold. Walls of grey. Nothing good on the radio. Not a thought in my head. 

Lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow, frame by frame with two minutes that take ten years to live out. Yeah, lets do that.

Telephone poles like praying mantras against the sky, metal arms outstretched. So much land travelled so little sense made of it. It doesn’t mean a thing all this land laid out behind us. I’d like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while. I’m disgusted with petty concerns; parking tickets, breakfast specials. Does someone just have to carry this weight? Abstract typography, methane inconvenience, linear gospel, Nashville sales lady, and torturous lice, mad Elizabeth. Chemotherapy bullshit.

The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail, steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories, movements, the movie unfeeling, unreeling, about to begin.

I’ve seen your hallway, you’re a darn call away, I’ve hear your stairs creak. I can fix my mind on your yes, and on your no. I’ll film you face today in the sparkling canals, all red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection. Racing thoughts, racing thoughts. All too real, you’re moving so fast now I cant hold your image. This image I have of your face by the window, me standing beside you arm on your shoulder. A catalogue of images, flashing glimpses then gone again. 

Every clear afternoon now I’ll picture you up in the air twisting your heel, your knees up around me, my face in your hair. You scream so well, your smile so loud it still rings in my ears.

Imitation. Distant, tired of longing. Clean white teeth. Stay the course. Hold the wheel. Steer on to freedom. Open all the boxes.

Open all the boxes.

Open all the boxes.

Open all the boxes.

Times Square midday: newspaper buildings, news headlines going around, you watch as they go, and hope that some good comes. Those tree shadows in the park they’re all whistling chasing leaves. Around six pm, shadows across cobblestones, girl in front of a bathroom mirror she slowly and carefully and paints her face green and mask like. A portrait. A green stripe. Long shot through apartment window, a monologue on top but no girl in shot. The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway. Like a snake eating its own tail steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memories, movements. The movie unreeling, about to begin.

That was great

Yeah? Mine were alright. Wasn’t my best one but who cares?

That’s the spirit…

The only thing I ever wanted,
Was to feel love for someone worth it,
Stood up a light house, waiting for her,
I’ve saved a seat by me, for who’ll catch this beam.

Let’s slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

Can’t believe I’m still smiling from Saturday night, haven’t stopped smiling :-)

Last night has made me happy, very very happy

A month in and I can notice some lose. Not enough to be proud though

For fuck sake why am I actually unemployable?! Applied and been turned down everywhere and it’s starting to piss me off. It’s making me angry, takes the piss

And I’ll miss your laugh, your smile. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you tell me. I’m so sick of fights I hate them. Let’s start this again for real